Kyonko in Exile By Henry J. Cobb
[The Haruhi Suzumiya characters and situations are the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. Other than that, he's blameless for the following.]
There had been some silly spat with Haruhi on Friday night. As I was waking up the next morning, my mind wandered into ways I could somehow take the blame for it all. Not for her sake, but for the good of the world.
That's when I noticed there was somebody in my bed. As first I assumed that Shamisen had crept under my covers, but he wouldn't be clothed and human sized. Was it my sister? I opened my eyes and looked into the eyes of a girl of around my age. She had brown eyes and her brown hair fell loosely around her face.
"What are you doing in my bed?" We said in unison as we both sat up and looked around.
"What happened to my room?" She asked.
"Your room? This is my room."
"No, this is my room." She looked around. "There's just been a few tiny changes."
My phone rang. She was closer and so grabbed and answered it. "Hi Nagato. Who is this? What? The Integrated Data Entity found what? Very well. Here you go, er. 'Kyon'." She handed the phone to me, got out of my bed and went to sit in my chair.
"Yes?" I asked.
"The person in your room is a slider."
"So Suzumiya finally snatched a person from an alternate reality?"
"That person was sent to this world by a power very similar to that of Suzumiya's."
"We'll sneak over to your apartment. See you there soon."
"So now what?" That girl asked.
"Like I said, we're going to Nagato's. She's got enough room for mysterious extra people."
"Well the Tsuruya house is much bigger."
"No need to get Tsuruya involved at this point."
"Are you going to call in the rest of the SOS brigade also?"
"Seems like a plan."
"But not Suzumiya!" There was fright in her eyes.
"Yeah, yeah. We have to keep up the firewall between 'God' and strange events."
"Uh, yeah, that also."
"So what do they call you Miss?"
She responded with my family name and feminine version of my personal name.
"So we'll call you Kyonko."
"Damn it! I get tossed into an entirely different universe, and I still can't escape that nickname. It's because I'm flat chested, right? Don't answer that."
We took turns dressing (she found a belt of mine that would tighten enough on some old clothes of mine for her smaller frame) and were almost to the door when my sister said. "Sneaking girls into your room, Kyon?"
"Please don't tell Mom and Dad about this."
"No, no." She walked up and looked at Kyonko. "I like this one."
"Thanks." Kyonko patted her on the head.
Kyonko rode in the same fashion as Haruhi or Sasaki, grabbing onto my shoulders as she stood on the back of my bicycle. "I like her. She seems much nicer than my little brother."
When we got to Yuki's, we found the brigade there.
Kyonko looked at them all in shock for a moment then said. "Nagato, Asahina, and Koizumi, right?"
They all nodded in turn.
"Then does this mean that Suzumiya is a girl?"
"Yes Haruhi is." I replied.
"Somehow everybody's switched genders. I'm the girl in my Universe who matches to this guy." She pointed at me. "So just call me Kyonko here, like they do there."
We sat down and discussed the situation. Nagato and Asahina talked about possible ways to return her.
"I'm not sure if I should go back. Suzumiya is the one who sent me here."
Just then my phone rang. I saw who it was, so I couldn't ignore the call. "Hi Haruhi."
"Don't you 'hi' me mister. Not only are you not at the station, but none of the other brigade members are either."
"Sorry, I'm running late. I'll call them on the way and see what's holding them up."
An all too familiar jingle from a really cute kid's anime sounded in the room.
"Ah ha! You've got Mikuru with you also. Where are you, Kyon?"
"Very well, we'll meet there. The rest of the brigade is there also, I trust." Haruhi hung up.
We hid Kyonko in one of the closets of Yuki's three bedroom apartment.
The rest of us were setting around the kotatsu, as Yuki went to open the door for Haruhi.
"Good morning Haruhi." I said.
Haruhi said nothing. She just walked over and yanked me to my feet by my collar. She stared into my eyes for half a minute, and then she dropped me like a bag of potatoes.
She looked over the room and smiled. It wasn't the nice sort of smile a girl of her age ought to have. It was Haruhi's, she has an idea, smile. "So. If it had been anybody other than Kyon, then I would have known that you were all here plotting a coup against me. But Kyon is too much of a spineless coward to even dream of taking me on. This means that you are hiding something from me. Everybody sit right here and remain silent. If I hear even a peep from any of you then it's the death penalty."
Haruhi searched every room in Nagato's apartment, and soon returned dragging Kyonko by the arm. She dropped the other girl on the floor next to me. "Explain this, Kyon."
Kyonko turned around to face Haruhi. "Don't blame Kyon. My boyfriend beat me and threw me out. I didn't have anywhere else to go."
"And why would he do that?" Haruhi stood with arms crossed.
"Because I told him, that he had made me pregnant."
Nagato did not react. Itsuki's smile cracked just a tiny amount. Asahina looked directly at me, her unspoken accusation as plain as day.
Haruhi's features softened. She grabbed Kyonko by the shoulders and nudged her over to the kotatsu. "You poor thing. Mikuru, get our guest some tea."
Haruhi sat down next to Kyonko and asked her to explain her story, if she would.
Kyonko explained what had happened, leaving out all names other than her own nickname.
It was clear to the rest of us that the father had to be the Suzumiya of that other world, but Haruhi's selective blindness managed to skip over the similarities to her own life. How could she see it, when it was just impossible?
Nagato's limited selection of clothing seemed to fit fairly well on Kyonko, and Nagato also manipulated the records again to get Kyonko admitted to North High, on a slightly modified family name.
When Haruhi worried about the costs, Itsuki volunteered a winning lottery ticket. He said that his family was well off enough, and that he didn't want to have to admit to his parents that he had been playing the lottery.
That bastard. Why hadn't he done the same for me, when I was paying for Haruhi's every meal out?
A few weeks after Kyonko's arrival, we were all meeting at the shared apartment when Nagato's intercom rang.
My little sister skipped over and answered it. "Hello?"
"Nagato?" It was a teenage boy's voice.
Kyonko looked at the intercom with fright. Haruhi saw this and stormed over to the intercom. "Nagato is here. How can we help you?"
"Who is this?"
"I'm Haruhi Suzumiya. Who are you?"
"I'm... I'm Mr. Smith. Can I come up?"
Haruhi looked over to Kyonko, who nodded.
Haruhi buzzed the front door open and then waited for the apartment bell to ring. She threw the door open and peered into a face that might as well have been her twin brother's. The two Suzumiyas studied each other's faces for a minute, then she said. "You're not my Mr. Smith."
"I see. That's how it is." He looked over at the rest of us and then back to Haruhi. "May I come in?"
"You touch her, and you die." Haruhi closed the door behind her twin and then stormed over to sit next to Kyonko while he was removing his shoes.
"Sit down." Haruhi indicated the other side of the kotatsu. "Nagato. Take little sister to your room."
"But I want to find out who this guy is."
Yuki took my little sister's arm and lead her to her bedroom, then closed the door after them.
The so called Mr. Smith glanced at me. "Your little sister?"
"So, Mr. Smith." Haruhi interrupted. "What exactly do you want?"
"I've come to make amends." He turned to Kyonko. "I'm so sorry, Baby. I'm ready to take responsibility."
"Really? Do you even know what the word 'responsibility' means?" Kyonko asked. "Did you look it up in the dictionary or something?"
"I've learned about a lot of things. I've found that the things I thought I was searching for, were right beside me, but the one thing I needed most, was what I had thrown away."
He turned and bowed to Itsuki. "Things were really rough there for a while, but a friend of yours helped me a lot. We've got it under control now."
He turned to the door of Nagato's room. "I returned the clubroom to its original use. The president of the club helped show me the way here."
He smiled at Mikuru, then seemed to think better of it and turned back to Kyonko. "I can handle it, if you won't forgive me. I'll still live my life for you and everybody else."
Haruhi turned to Kyonko. "This guy doesn't look trustworthy to me, but it's your choice."
"He's beat himself up enough already. I suppose he might behave himself for a little while. I do miss my family, even my little brother."
Haruhi turned back to her alternative version. "If you do hurt her ever again, I will find out about it, and I will will yank your balls out by the roots."
"Yeah, I'd deserve it too." He pulled a box out of his pocket. "Kyonko, will you be my Jane Smith?"
Kyonko opened the box. Even Haruhi was impressed by the size of the diamond on the ring.
"Yes." Kyonko stood, walked over to sit next to her Mr. Suzumiya and stuck out her finger for him to slip the ring onto. They kissed.
Haruhi ordered Nagato and my little sister out so they could all say their goodbyes.
Monday at the start of the SOS-dan meeting, Haruhi greeted me with one word. "Bigger."
"About this little play you've arranged for me. Very interesting, but don't ask until you can afford a bigger diamond than that."
I sat in shock until after she left.
Itsuki nudged my arm. "I think the remaining lottery winnings should just about cover that."
"Please don't make such jokes!"